Plot Twist..

Well, today is interesting..

I woke up thismorning feeling kinda down and lonely. It was an ordinary morning for my life, ..but I'm not alone anymore. I txt'd my girlfriend and asked her to tell me she was mine and here to stay. She confirmed that she was mine and not going anywhere and all the loneliness in my heart burned away. It turned in to a really amazing morning. I have never been crazier about her or happier about life. The sun was out. My music was loud (more Switchfoot). God was ministering to my heart. The girl of my dreams was as crazy about me as I was about her and we were pleanty happy to tell eachother as much.

She's working in a different department lately, so I didn't get to see her much, but I chatted with her a little and we went for a walk. As we passed a familiar flower shop on the way back, I bought her a sunflower and told her how I feel about her. She seemed really happy. I was really happy. All in all, it was a beautiful morning and it stayed that way throughout the day.

I'm so crazy about her.

This weekend she leaves for church camp until next thursday. That's going to be pretty tough. I'm going to miss her alot. I have an opportunity to go see her sunday, but we're being instructed that "at camp, we're not dating."

I'm really struggling with this because I don't understand why they think we're such a bad example. I understand that the youth are under special rules, and I think the reasons for those rules are good reasons and I completely respect them. I just don't understand why her and I are being considered youths. I'm 24. She's 22 next month. We are adults.

It's not a terrible big deal, I guess. I'm sure I can live a week without her. I'm sure I can go a day without holding her or telling her how much I care. Surely I can last a week not hearing her tell me how she feels for me, right? It just really scares me that they would say that we can't be together at camp. Are they going to start saying we can't be together at church events? What about at church itself? Are they going to force her to choose between church and me? I know God would not try to keep us apart. He brought us together in the first place. Why is this church asking us to be apart? I don't mind one day, one event, but I am so worried it will become an all the time thing. I just don't understand it.

"Dear, God, are we doing something wrong?"

I screwed up tonight. I told her I was thinking about not attending sunday. I thought it would be easier for us both to wait longer than to see eachother and not be able even to talk. She got very upset about it. She thinks I am asking her to choose between church and me. I would never ask that. That is exactly what I am so concerned about, that the church would ask her that very thing.

On top of that, she invited me over for an hour tonight and I told her I thought it was best to spend the evening with my family. Bryan ended up coming over and spending time with us. When she found out, she thought I blew her off for Bryan. I don't understand why she would jump to that conclusion.

We talked about this all over the phone, and I tried to explain my thoughts on the camping and my thoughts on these rules, and I tried to explain that I didn't blow her off for Bryan and I don't think she listened to any of it. She didn't care. She was too upset with me to listen or understand.

So here I am. It's late. I'm very tired, but I can't sleep. I'm so frustrated with myself for not communicating well. I'm frustrated with Pastor David for his rules. I'm frustrated with the entire situation..


*twist again?*


..And now Steve calls me and reminds me why he's such and awesome friend. We talked a bit and he explained things to me in a way, maybe I understand better? This whole thing is so irrational. Maybe I'm just insecure and afraid that I will lose her and in my fear, I push her away. How does that even make sense?

Amazing that I named this post "Plot Twist" because of the days events, only to find out God has His own plot twist in mind for me through a call from a friend at 11:15pm of all times.

I'm going on Sunday, and I'm sure it'll be a great time. I really wish I was better at this dating stuff, but I guess that's just part of dating, figuring things out.

"Dear Lord, I'm so sorry for my foolishness. Father, please help me as I talk with Elise tomorrow. Father, please help her to understand. I pray that she will see past my foolishness and recognize my best intentions. I pray that she will have a heart to forgive me.

Father, God, help me to trust Pastor David. Lord, help me to trust this church. I pray that I would see You in them and find understanding. Grant me wisdom and grace, Father, in all things.

I pray always that you will contenue to form me in to the man you would have me be, but I often forget how tought the process will be. These are wonderful, beautiful times. You have given me great happiness, but these are also very difficult times full of trials. God, I pray that I would see Your work and know Your ways in the events surrounding me. Let me not be afraid of what I do not understand, Lord, but instead fill me with faith. Strengthen me.

This has been a hard lesson learning. Tomorrow I will get to see Elise, a little, at work. I pray, Lord, grant me one miracle and mend this thing between us before we part. I want her to know how special she is to me that she will not question it in my absense. I wish I had been with her tonight, Lord. I did not know what you had in store for us.

Amen."


.. I feel so foolish. I hope this post makes some kind of sense. I'm so tired. I need to go to sleep.

Switchfoot?

Not much to post today yet. Been thinking about Life lately. My work buddy, Luc has been looking for a new job and it's got me thinkin more about my own life I guess. I'm just so bored and so tired of this same old stuff in this same old building at this same old computer. I wanna see life, experience it. I want to enjoy the sunshine and listen to loud music and feel free. Why does a career have to contain you like a cage? There's gotta be more.

Inspired by Switchfoot thismorning:


American Dream
Switchfoot


When success is equated with excess
The ambition for excess wrecks us
As top of the mind becomes the bottom line
When success is equated with excess

If you're time ain't be nothing for money
I start to feel really bad for you honey
Maybe honey put you're money where your mouth's been running
If you're time ain't be nothing but money
I want out of this machine
It doesn't feel like freedom

(chorus)

This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream

When success is equated with excess
When we're fighting for the beamer, the lexus
As the heart and soul breathing the company goals
Where success is equated with excess
I want out of this machine
It doesn't feel like freedom

(chorus)

Cause baby's always talkin 'bout a ring
And talk has always been the cheapest thing
Is it true would you do what I want you to
If I show up with the right amount of bling?
Like a puppet on a monetary string

Maybe we've been caught singing
Red, white, blue, and green
But that ain't my America,
That ain't my American dream

(chorus)